Thursday, June 19, 2008

On Vulnerability

TwitThis


Vulnerability came up not once, but twice yesterday, and I had the
feeling that
it would come up again this morning.

Yesterday, one of my homies, S.bot confided some crazy shit to me.
She basically said that she recently learned that she had
an issue with
being vulnerable to the extent that she worked
diligently at not allowing
any of her friends get to know each
other, for fear that they would
put two and two together
and begin to see shit in her that she wasn't prepared to
see.

Talk about mind blowing.

This was key for me because the last two years I have
tried to give her a birthday get-together, and she was super
negatory on that idea.


Now, I have a better understanding of why.

Vulnerability came up again with Flybug Starski last night. She was talking
about being okay with being vulnerable with dudes. It wasn't a fear
that she would get hurt, but that she would hurt the dude.
She said based on some shit that recently happened, she didn't want
to walk around with that on her heart.

I commented that that was an interesting way of going about
life, and that she should call *Dave, as I was on my way out the
door to surprise Filthy with some fried fish, plantano's and steamed
broccoli.
*A dude of interest

So there was dinner, and a conversation about the weekend.
Filthy feels about his time the way most dudes feel about their money.
His time is everything. I find it challenging to figure out
how to dance with it sometimes.

For example. There is a big party taking place Saturday.
I went last year and left without a stitch of mascara or
eye shadow and the back of my hear was puffed up from having
danced so hard. Boot Camp, Nas, EPMD, The Roots. All that.
When I learned about this party in May, I was like cool, there goes
my summer, once I go to that, I'm set.

Filth and I had beef over the weekend plans.
The beef was over me "asking" for Saturday. Every since last year,
my position has been that if I tell you I am checking for you then it is
your responsibility to let me know when you are free.

It ain't working like that y'all, because he has asked me
for my availability for the last few Saturdays. I have no clear defense
for not being able to do the same. In my mind I thought there was
an understanding because I let him know that I was checking for him.

Negatory
.

While I asked him if he wanted to go on Saturday night, I didn't speak
on hanging out on Saturday itself.


This morning, both time and Saturday day plans came up and

and he mentions to me that when he has said "Yo, I really enjoyed
hanging out with you today" that I say nothing in return. In my
head, I am like, I enjoy spending time with you as well, but, I don't say
it out loud.

I was stuck and felt like an ingrate. I confided, "you know how much
I enjoy spending time with you, most the time, its hard to leave, and I do
mention that". He was like "Yeah, but that's not the same as responding
to me saying that I had a good time with you today", and he was right.

When he said that I was brought back to a moment when I was talking
to S.bot yesterday and she mentioned how we all need reassurance.

How reassurance
is the grease that keeps the relationship wheels turning.

She concluded that ultimately, needing reassurance makes us
feel uber vulnerable.

I was stuck.


It dawned that me that M.dot has a problem with being vulnerable, to the extent
that I don't like asking for the time. ***Looks in mirror, like who knew?


What I ended up saying out loud to him, in an urge to be fearless and
vulnerable was that I saw, "Every date as being precious".

His eyes lit up.

After saying that and talking to him further about a current project
where I am writing about feminism, patriarchy and hip hop,
I ask him if hip hop's inability to be vulnerable is tied to the shit that
we are collectively going through?

He just looked at me, and said you may be on to something.


I realized that I didn't want to ask for Saturday day, not just Saturday
night for the Spinna jawn, because I didn't want to feel vulnerable.

With all of this squared away, I feel relieved. I have the fly oufit
planned for Saturday, and a meal on the agenda that may impress
both my momma and Martha.

When was the last time you were vulnerable?

Why?


How did you handle it?

You regret it or are you proud?

10 comments:

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

that is insecurity if u asked me

Soulful Jenn said...

*Came across your page through "She Hate Me"

1) your writing is intriguing and you come across as powerful, someone taking a stand and has a strong sense of self. I'm intimidated but am not afraid to join you.

2) The last time I was vulnerable was two days ago because I realized that after many scars that a past lover has given me I still care for him and I do not understand why. I handled it by telling him that I need to distance myself from him because being near him brings back memories I wish to be stored and forgotten. I feel as if he has a stick and is opening my wounds one by one to see how they're doing. I do not regret feeling this way about him I just don't understand it. And I am not proud because I do know I need to forgive him in order to move on, not in the sense of "I want him back" or "I'm not over him" but in the sense of, that will provide growth for me. And that's what matters to me the most. To never stop learning and growing instead of turning bitter and becoming a close friend to hatred.

3) just felt like adding a three because 2 wasn't enough.

M.Dot. said...

Yoooo...You came from Ebrock's? That rocks.

1) your writing is intriguing and you come across as powerful, someone taking a stand and has a strong sense of self. I'm intimidated but am not afraid to join you.
=======
Dios mio. Thank you.

I feel as if he has a stick and is opening my wounds one by one to see how they're doing.
======
Yo. Pure poetry. Sounds like an Amy or Lauryn song.

They do that. Just to check and see if they can get a rise out of you. Control is a batch.

BP said...

Peace Sis!!
I love this essay because vulnerability is something that I have struggled to hide for far too long. I try my best to not be vulnerable in particular spaces (i.e. work, school, social spaces.) I think the question you raise about how our experiences shape or hinder our ability to be vulnerable is important. Vulnerability is not weakness. I am try to remember that as I navigate life and build healthy, loving relationships.

Model Minority said...

I love this essay because vulnerability is something that I have struggled to hide for far too long.
========

Thank you love. Your know your "folks" is like the vulnerability agitator. Arrrg.

Its bugged out, because the moment you are vulnerable you can feel yourself closer to the edge, but you also feel LESS controlled by fear.

Fear sucks.

Courtney said...

I met this guy once. In a club. And our eyes met and I swear it was one of those 'I feel like I can see forever in your eyes' type of poetry over the chords of life moments. And... I've never in 5 years spent a moment of time with him. (Sad Face) He lives in a different state and my mental state is not ready for him. He told me a couple of months ago... 'I just don't understand why you don't want to let yourself be happy.' Me neither buddy. This blog touches on that feeling of being afraid of truth perfectly. The truth of love, the truth of life, the truth of what happens next, the truth of the if then theory. youknowwhutimean????

Model Minority... I love your words. They are gifts unintended for Christmas.

BP said...

m.dot says: "Its bugged out, because the moment you are vulnerable you can feel yourself closer to the edge, but you also feel LESS controlled by fear.

Fear sucks."

I couldn't have said this better myself. So can we say that vulnerability is a tool to challenging or doing away with fear?? I am sure i am pushing it. haha!!

P.S. The first comment by torrance: "that is insecurity if u asked me" is the very thing that hinders our growth and capacity to love.

M.Dot. said...

Model Minority... I love your words. They are gifts unintended for Christmas.
==========

Dios mio. Thank you.

This blog touches on that feeling of being afraid of truth perfectly.
=========

Gurrrrrl. Truth is the trillness.
But you know what? You and I know, in your heart of hearts, what you need/want/and what is healthiest. Feel me?

Aunt Jackie said...

i haven't been in too much of a vulnerable state when it comes to matters of the heart expect for this one dude...

with him i have learned that my strength is where i am most vulnerable, when i call a spade a spade and i'm not certain what type of response it will garner is when i'm most vulnerable.

it's oxymoronic but still my truth...

humm very interesting.

Model Minority said...

with him i have learned that my strength is where i am most vulnerable, when i call a spade a spade and i'm not certain what type of response it will garner is when i'm most vulnerable.
========
This is classic "loving in the face of rejection" hard to do but good for ya. Like brussel sprizzles.

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