Vulnerability came up not once, but twice yesterday, and I had the
feeling that it would come up again this morning.
Yesterday, one of my homies, S.bot confided some crazy shit to me.
She basically said that she recently learned that she had
an issue with being vulnerable to the extent that she worked
diligently at not allowing any of her friends get to know each
other, for fear that they would put two and two together
and begin to see shit in her that she wasn't prepared to
Talk about mind blowing.
This was key for me because the last two years I have
tried to give her a birthday get-together, and she was super
negatory on that idea.
Now, I have a better understanding of why.
Vulnerability came up again with Flybug Starski last night. She was talking
about being okay with being vulnerable with dudes. It wasn't a fear
that she would get hurt, but that she would hurt the dude.
She said based on some shit that recently happened, she didn't want
to walk around with that on her heart.
I commented that that was an interesting way of going about
life, and that she should call *Dave, as I was on my way out the
door to surprise Filthy with some fried fish, plantano's and steamed
*A dude of interest
So there was dinner, and a conversation about the weekend.
Filthy feels about his time the way most dudes feel about their money.
His time is everything. I find it challenging to figure out
how to dance with it sometimes.
For example. There is a big party taking place Saturday.
I went last year and left without a stitch of mascara or
eye shadow and the back of my hear was puffed up from having
danced so hard. Boot Camp, Nas, EPMD, The Roots. All that.
When I learned about this party in May, I was like cool, there goes
my summer, once I go to that, I'm set.
Filth and I had beef over the weekend plans.
The beef was over me "asking" for Saturday. Every since last year,
my position has been that if I tell you I am checking for you then it is
your responsibility to let me know when you are free.
It ain't working like that y'all, because he has asked me
for my availability for the last few Saturdays. I have no clear defense
for not being able to do the same. In my mind I thought there was
an understanding because I let him know that I was checking for him.
While I asked him if he wanted to go on Saturday night, I didn't speak
on hanging out on Saturday itself.
This morning, both time and Saturday day plans came up and
and he mentions to me that when he has said "Yo, I really enjoyed
hanging out with you today" that I say nothing in return. In my
head, I am like, I enjoy spending time with you as well, but, I don't say
it out loud.
I was stuck and felt like an ingrate. I confided, "you know how much
I enjoy spending time with you, most the time, its hard to leave, and I do
mention that". He was like "Yeah, but that's not the same as responding
to me saying that I had a good time with you today", and he was right.
When he said that I was brought back to a moment when I was talking
to S.bot yesterday and she mentioned how we all need reassurance.
How reassurance is the grease that keeps the relationship wheels turning.
She concluded that ultimately, needing reassurance makes us
feel uber vulnerable.
I was stuck.
It dawned that me that M.dot has a problem with being vulnerable, to the extent
that I don't like asking for the time. ***Looks in mirror, like who knew?
What I ended up saying out loud to him, in an urge to be fearless and
vulnerable was that I saw, "Every date as being precious".
His eyes lit up.
After saying that and talking to him further about a current project
where I am writing about feminism, patriarchy and hip hop,
I ask him if hip hop's inability to be vulnerable is tied to the shit that
we are collectively going through?
He just looked at me, and said you may be on to something.
I realized that I didn't want to ask for Saturday day, not just Saturday
night for the Spinna jawn, because I didn't want to feel vulnerable.
With all of this squared away, I feel relieved. I have the fly oufit
planned for Saturday, and a meal on the agenda that may impress
both my momma and Martha.
When was the last time you were vulnerable?
How did you handle it?
You regret it or are you proud?