Thursday, February 05, 2009

Addicted to Being A Victim

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I love Yellow Tulips

In the midst of all of the bumpiness of January '09, I learned
that I was addicted to being a victim.
Well, I knew it, but I
actually said it out loud to people,
each of whom laughed, because
I think I shocked them with my willingness to admit it.
The first time
I said it, Tracey Rose was at my house two Saturdays ago, I was
preparing to move. In the middle
of sorting through big
shoe box number one, and big shoe box number two
I said:
m.dot: TR, I think I am addicted to being a victim.
TR: Shit, YOU actually know you are?
m.dot: Yes, of course. Wait you did too?
TR: Yes, I was trying to figure out how to tell you.

m.dot: You can't "tell" nobody no shit like that. That's like telling me I am a junkie. What? You were doing to have a victim intervention. [We laughed]. I know it, and it is time that I do something about it.
TR: That's what Recovery is about. Every situation we find ourselves
in we are accountable for it. Everyone one. We made these situations.
m.dot: That's the realest shit I heard today.
Then I had a conversation with Birkhold.
m.dot: Yo, I think I am addicted to being a victim.
B: Wait, you know? [Lets out a loud assed noise].
m.dot: Of course I know, I just don't like going around saying it.
B: Ain't that something. I didn't know you knew.

m.dot: Why is everyone surprised that I know? [Winces.]
Then finally I had one with my dad.
m.dot: Hi Daddy, I learned something about myself this week.
Daddy: What is that? m.dot: I am addicted to being a victim.
Daddy: Laughter.

m.dot: Why do people laugh when I say that? Big {Teef} Smile.
Ironically, this all came about sitting watching the inauguration
with Birkhold. He made is commitment feelings, along with other
thangs
, known and as I was sorting through it watching Michelle
and President Obama dance and
I called Jonezy. As I told her what
was going on, she listened then said, "You
noticed you are focusing
on the negative, right?" I had never thought
about that. And I realized
that was my second
victim/negative thinking flag.

The Saturday before the inauguration, I had spoken in front of a
group
and I mentioned how because of my parents battles with addiction,
historically I have had a chip on my shoulder. That chip helped me
in some ways because it reminded me of where I came from, what
I had achieved, and what I was striving for. On the other hand, as I have
gotten older, that chip on my shoulder has prevented me from asking
for help when I needed it.

Upon hearing speak about 'The Chip", Birkhold made a connection
between my difficulty
with asking for what I need and identifying as
a victim
.
He went on to say that you can't be a victim if you are walking
away. Which is crazy true. In order TO BE a victim
you have to sit
somewhere for someone to abuse you
.
This floored me, because
it was true.


It goes like this, if I don't ask for what I need, then I WILL NOT
RECEIVE
it, and if I don't receive it I can stay mad at the world.
Pretty
convenient, eh?

I was further reminded of this when my friend Honest Love who
invited me
to his wedding responded to one sentence in an
e-mail
that I written
about needing to recover from some
childhood things. He did
not know about my victimhood revelation
but this is that he said to
me,
Please know that you are not your wounds and they are not you. Many victims are overwhelmed by their wounds to the point that they embrace their victimhood as their identity and there usually is a time of re-gathering when this needed. I see the choice person that Deanna [his fiance] is, even as she is healing from her broken emotional limbs and emerges from her emotional coma. I hope you can see the difference between you and your wounds. I sense the beauty of who you are; I pray that you can.

Our minds and hearts have amazing interim devices they use to remove us from our hurts until we're ready to heal from them. This is both normal and common. When questioning one's responses, especially when challenged to "just get past it," ask would not a person be abnormal who didn't go to these defenses until healing advanced?

I was stunned at receiving this because he zeroed right in
on what I was dealing with at the time.

In some ways I felt like, historically, I had a right to have a chip on my shoulder.
My rationale was, I did what I was told to do,
I went to school, now
where is the life that I was told I would have.
I NOW UNDERSTAND
that being able to go to school, amazing
schools, student
centered schools, was a miracle in and of it self.


I now understand that my job is to make a contribution and
someways
posts like these are apart of that job.
At the end of the day victimhood is the easy way out. Victims don't
have to act, they can simply
whine about things that others
have done to them.


Many of us know people in our lives like this.
Coworkers,
parents, siblings, the list goes on and on.

On this blog I have written extensively about agency,
and about how victims can be perpetrators.

In some
ways I was trying to work out how we can get in
our own
way in life.
Why do you all think I ride so hard for
every person
being and Agent, and Actor, not an (inanimate)
Object
that is acted upon.

That being said, here is to eliminating victim thinking in our lives
in 2009!

Any victim thinking in your life?
Know anyone who stays complaining about what their boss,
their mother, their whatever did to them?

How do you deal with it?

3 comments:

Phyaflyjones said...

I read this the other day and didn't give it much thought. I just read it a second time and "got what I needed." I guess today was just the right time to recieve the message. Readiness may be only a few days later. Guess it just happens when it's supposed to.

Model Minority said...

@ Phyaflyjones,

Thank you for stopping by.
I pray for you often. I take it serious
when people talk about being in despair.

I am glad this helped.

In some ways this post and experience
liberated me. May be one of the best I have
ever written.

~m.d.

a girl named Rock. said...

It helped with realizing "you are not alone". But now what? How do you go from being a victim? What's next?

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