Not Gone Be Able to Do: The Love Below

Matthew and (Re)nina
Forte Green, Brooklyn June 2008

It's been about a month since my relationship ended, or -if you
will, changed.

I have never known a human being that I could spend five
or six consecutive days with and not want to kill them after
day 3, or be enraged at them, or see the roots of resentment
growing like weeds. The days would be productive, filled with
reading, writing, meals and mashing.

This was my relationship with Matthew, previously known has
Filthy Dubois.

When the end velocity started, at first I thought there was someone
else, and then I learned that it was us. Ironically, in the midst of
the all this, young SJ an ex and dear friend from Texas, called
me out the blue and apologized for being angry at me for how
things ended between he and I. We hadn't spoken in months.

So we are talking, and he hears the trembling in my voice and
I let on what was happening and in a moment of eerie clarity, he
said, "Wow, I did the same thing to you." Meaning that he let a lot
of time lapse before telling me that he was having major
problems with the relationship. He waited until he couldn't
take it any more and decided that it was over. I was grateful for
the fact that he made the connection, sad for the fact that it
was true.

My girls are optimistic. I am neutral and here is why, both
Matthew and I believe that love is being willing to extend
yourself for the spiritual growth of another person. If we both
love each other, but want different commitments then I have
to let him go. As much as I don't want to, I have to. To do anything
else is to be greedy and to try and assert my will over the will
of what is. That's not extending myself, that's trying to control it.
That's not my job. Resisting it requires praying almost 5 times a day,
no lie. But I do it.

We may work or exert courage in directions other than toward spiritual growth. and for this reason all work and courage is not love. But since it requires an extension of ourselves, love is always either work or courage. If an act is not one of work or courage, then it is not an act of love. There are no exceptions.
from The Road Less Traveled

We have been in contact, albeit limited (while writing this, ironically
I received a long e-mail from him.) Through this haze, he has
coached me through school application deadline madness, assisted
me with my writing sample and offered to read my personal
statement (along with 5 other people- hi Mean Sexy, Jonzey and
Songee.)

We were friends before, and in many ways, the evidence of that
part of the relationship is bright and clear. In many ways, having
a friendship basis, makes all of this that much more
difficult. Sometimes, I just wanna shake 'em, like dude, how
can you say that it has never been like this with anyone else
before, but commence to putting it on pause. But I hold
back, because if this is what he believes has been willed to be,
then I can only respect that. I still be wanting to shake him tho.
However, I'm sure I wouldn't want any dude pressing me if I
was like, "Nah ock, I'm not where you are and I need to move
around."

That being said, human bonds are incredible. In many ways
this turbulence with him has shown me the strength of other
bonds in my life. And not just the strength of the bonds, but that
once created, they never go away. For me, that idea has always
been abstract, but now that I have seen it operate in my life in real time,
I have experienced how it works. It is in coming to understand these
bonds, and the bumpiness of this relationship that I am learning
how to fall back gently, and not just cut him off. Which is what I
have seen people do, time and again, in my biological family.

In early December, Matthew and I had a sort of peace inducing
conversation. Then record scratch, I woke up a few days later, livid.
It came to me that I stepped to him in July about feeling over committed.
Instead of saying something to him, I could have been scandalous
and just kept it to myself and commenced to lining up back ups.

However, human beings are not objects, or positions, that
can't be lined up. I have also been reminded that to expect
someone to do something that I know how to do is short sighted
and unfair. People come to you with the tools that they have.
I was angry that I had the courage not only to feel it, BUT to share,
whereas, he didn't. It felt like he was on the take. I knew that there
was a risk me saying to him, "Aye blood, I feel over committed" and
upon reflection, I realize that I felt that he was selfish in being
unwilling to take the same risk with me.

All it required was "Ne, I'm having second thoughts." Subsequently,
when I brought this up he has apologized profusely, and said
that he didn't know how to say it at the time. Lord knows that there
are things that I haven't known how to do in the past, like manage
my anger, which has helped me to kill not one, but two relationships.
I understand that he didn't know how to say it, I have forgiven him.

"Truth or reality is avoided when it is painful. We can revise
our maps only when we have the discipline to overcome
that pain. To have such discipline, we must be totally dedicated
to truth. That is to say that we must always hold truth, as best
we can determine it, to be more important, more vital to
our self-interest, than our comfort." From The Road Less Traveled

Looking back, I have changed over the course of the relationship and
I am grateful for it. My writing voice is clearer, I have a far more nuanced
understanding of how much of what we see in society is rooted in
history, and my recovery game (in terms of being related to people
with addictions), has been taken up a notch.

I have also resolved to pursuing writing and school work that is
self directed and in line with who I am and what I believe in.

Yet and still, the cold Christmas and colder New Years has me
light weight shook. But, it just reminds me to be in the moment.

Besides, there is always 2009!

I bet this post was a surprise. Wink. Nod. Wink.