Sunday, October 12, 2008
Borderless relationships are dangerous because there is
only a matter of time before a border is crossed and the entire
spot gets blown. This past weekend, I fell back from Filthy.
He decided to take the time to deal with the impact of a
borderless relationship with a lady friend that preceded me.
When we take part of borderless relationships we do so out of a fear
of being rejected. Think about it, if you don't have boundaries, you don't
have to worry about losing the person, or about being accountable
to a relationship. The upside of Borderless Relationships is that
they operate in that zone of the mushy middle. The down side
is that when it goes all bad, it has a tendency to be nuclear.
On Thursday Filthy told me he wanted to limit contact this
weekend, so that he could, pray, fast, reflect and I responded
saying that I understood. We also decided to put some plans
to take a trip on hold. I did understand, but I also missed my
friend. The notion of putting the trip plans on pause lighweight
scared me, as he had been talking about it for a few weeks.
But I took the highroad and agreed to play it by ear.
On top of that my road dog is in Chicago networking at a conference,
so I took it upon myself to go to a cafe and work on sketching the
100 Visionaries website.
Last night, I walked into a cafe, set my stuff down and I hear a
man clear his throat, yet I say nothing, but my mind registers
that it sounds familiar. I proceed to pay for my tea, and as I
look for the honey, I felt eyes on me.
I turn and look and it is The Graduate, sitting there, with a pretty Black
lady. He is smiling and staring.
I return the gaze. I don't blink.
I thought to myself, God has an amazing sense of humor.
I haven't seen The Graduate since May '07. All I could think was, man,
you can't write better scenes than these. In many ways, my relationship
with The Graduate was a borderless relationship. While I have spoken
to him recently about grad school, I deaded having contact
with him as a realized last year that he was interested in me,
but he wasn't interested in doing the work to be with me.
This of course is the recipe for the Borderless Relationship Syndrome.
The chickens came home to roost, kick it and freestyle last night.
I grabbed my tea. I spoke to him and walk and set my stuff down. He
mentions something about not receiving a hug, and I call him an "ass".
I give him a hug, speak and I introduce myself to his lady friend.
Then she says, "You must know him pretty well to call him an ass".
He responds saying, "What, I didn't hear her call me that".
I responded playing it off- with, "Hey, Lisa, ladies gotta stick together,
moi, I said nothing of the sort ", and we all laughed.
Her statement was clever. She didn't know who I was, and she was letting
me and him know that she didn't know.
I spoke to young Filth about the run in and he responded, of course, saying,
"How you feel?" At the moment I was grateful that I was humble
enough to bring it up and for the fact that we have a friendship
where we can talk about ish like this. He responded saying, I been there
before, and it ain't pretty. We laughed.
This was a lot to deal with in one night. It many ways it goes to show
you how God tests you and provides challenges when you least expect them.
Been in any borderless relationships recently?
How do you deal with them?
Did it blow up?