Sunday, October 12, 2008

Attack of the Borderless Relationships

TwitThis


Borderless relationships are dangerous because there is
only a matter
of time before a border is crossed and the entire
spot gets blown.
This past weekend, I fell back from Filthy.
He decided to take the time
to deal with the impact of a
borderless relationship with a lady friend that preceded me.

When we take part of borderless relationships we do so out of a fear
of being rejected. Think about it, if you don't have boundaries, you don't
have to worry about losing the person, or about being accountable
to a relationship. The upside of Borderless Relationships is that
they operate in that zone of the mushy middle. The down side
is that when it goes all bad, it has a tendency to be nuclear.

On Thursday Filthy told me he wanted to limit contact this
weekend, so that he could, pray, fast, reflect and I responded
saying that I understood. We also decided to put some plans
to take a trip on hold. I did understand, but I also missed my
friend. The notion of putting the trip plans on pause lighweight
scared me, as he had been talking about it for a few weeks.
But I took the highroad and agreed to play it by ear.

On top of that my road dog is in Chicago networking at a conference,
so I took it upon myself to go to a cafe and work on sketching the
100 Visionaries website.

Last night, I walked into a cafe, set my stuff down and I hear a
man clear his throat, yet I say nothing, but my mind registers
that it sounds familiar. I proceed to pay for my tea, and as I
look for the honey, I felt eyes on me.

I turn and look and it is The Graduate, sitting there, with a pretty Black
lady. He is smiling and staring.

I return the gaze. I don't blink.

I thought to myself, God has an amazing sense of humor.

I haven't seen The Graduate since May '07. All I could think was, man,
you can't write better scenes than these. In many ways, my relationship
with The Graduate was a borderless relationship. While I have spoken
to him recently about grad school, I deaded having contact
with him as a realized last year that he was interested in me,
but he wasn't
interested in doing the work to be with me.
This of course is the recipe for the Borderless Relationship Syndrome.

The chickens came home to roost, kick it and freestyle last night.

I grabbed my tea.
I spoke to him and walk and set my stuff down. He
mentions something about not receiving a hug, and I call him an "ass".
I give him a hug, speak and I introduce myself to his lady friend.

Then she says, "You must know him pretty well to call him an ass".

I smiled.

He responds saying, "What, I didn't hear her call me that".

I responded playing it off- with, "Hey, Lisa, ladies gotta stick together,
moi, I said nothing of the sort ", and we all laughed.

Her statement was clever. She didn't know who I was, and she was letting
me and him know that she didn't know.

I spoke to young Filth about the run in and he responded, of course, saying,
"How you feel?" At the moment I was grateful that I was humble
enough to bring it up and for the fact that we have a friendship
where we can talk about ish like this. He responded saying, I been there
before, and it ain't pretty. We laughed.

This was a lot to deal with in one night. It many ways it goes to show
you how God tests you and provides challenges when you least expect them.

Been in any borderless relationships recently?

How do you deal with them?

Did it blow up?

12 comments:

thelady said...

define borderless relationship

I am not Star Jones said...

my borderless relationships are in the past but I have had my share. And they ended when I got really tired of the emotional exhaustion that comes with trying to maintain and hold onto something that was so slippery and elusive.

M.Dot. said...

They vary depending on the context.

Generally, I have found that it involves a (convenient)ambiguity between you and the other person that is seeded in a desire to not risk making your feelings known to avoid the possibility of being hurt.

For example,
You may like them "in that way", they may not like you back.. (or vice versa)

One day you are having a conversation with them and they proceed to tell you about a DATE or someone else that THEY are interested in, and instead of hanging up and walking away, you still remain available, you still kick it, you still take their calls.

Blam.
Ambiguity zone.

Is that a bit more clear?

M.Dot. said...

And they ended when I got really tired of the emotional exhaustion
=======
DID it blow up?

I am not Star Jones said...

No, I let go.

the prisoner's wife said...

i can't that i've ever been in a borderless relationship. i've never had any interest in allowing someone to rope me into one. i'm all about labels when it comes to a relationship. either you is or you ain't, but for me, there's no in between.

Model Minority said...

either you is or you ain't
=======

I been that way.

I have also been borderless.com

j said...

Umm I think i am in a borderless relationship right now.

There is this girl that im hella cool with and we talk about a good amount of stuff. like my feeling about the chicks i deal with and things of that nature. and right now she has no man because she feels the ones that approach her arent good enough. she explains to me time and time again about what kind of man she likes, and i feel like everytime shes talking to me telling me, your what i want. but she never directly says it. cause what she wants is exactly what i am, i believe and so ive been told.

the thing about this chick is, i dont know if id want to date her, but shes definitely attractive and deserves what she wants. Its sad to say that, but id love to hang out with her, hook up from time to time, go to museums and just take weekend get aways together, but i wouldn't ever feel satisfied calling her my girl.

Id always feel like i could do better. Im real shallow in that sense ive come to realize, and shit, im cool with that, cause thats just who ive become due to the circumstances of my life.

I just feel like im in a crazy conflict, cause hella niggaz are always like you should lock that down and im just like eehhh. Her bubble butt and lax attitude arent the end all be all for me, I need more.

Oh and no this aint the chick i emailed you about. An update on that situation shall be coming hitting your inbox soon.

On a side note, remember when i used to end my messages with something random like swedish fish, or kool aid and youd end your responses with something even more obscure from the same category? hopefully you do. well I recently got a serious promotion and have to email clients back and forth about certain things concerning the million dollar accounts they hold with my company and when ive been ending the messages the same way i used to end my comments with you on MM. not exactly the same way, but some what similar.

Hahahaha i know that shit is hella unprofessional but to me its so funny cause these people are so cut and dry, total stick in the mudd ass people and its just my way of saying, im not quite apart of your world yet, but by the contents of the email, i also say, at 22 i can and will at any point take that world over.

Cool Post

The Magnificent J!!!

Model Minority said...

just feel like im in a crazy conflict, cause hella niggaz are always like you should lock that down and im just like eehhh. Her bubble butt and lax attitude arent the end all be all for me, I need more.
=====

Bubble But. Eh? You are such a negro.


On a side note, remember when i used to end my messages with something random like swedish fish, or kool aid and youd end your responses with something even more obscure from the same category? hopefully you do.
=====
Of Course I do.

You: Kool Aid
Me: Jim Jones
You: Top Ramen
M: Chicken Wangs...

How is that working out at work?


its just my way of saying, im not quite apart of your world yet,
=========
Your trying to hold out from the man?
Lols

Penni Brown said...

wow J - i'm going to point one of my girls to your comment. now, at 22, you might not know the answer to this yet...but, do you think, possibly, that ms. bubble but just doesn't do it for you, b/c she's easy (not sexually). there's no challenge there, you already know what she wants and you can kick it with her whenever you want. plus, there's a respect thing. it's hard to really value someone that is at your beck and call.


my older and maybe wiser perspective says, that's probably at least part of it. i'm just glad to see a guy write it down.

i think women tend to allow themselves to be in borderless rel'ships more than men do. i know i've done it, in my younger years.

but the real deal is, the person that is least invested in the relationship is the one that controls it.

M.Dot. said...

but the real deal is, the person that is least invested in the relationship is the one that controls it.

====
FUCK.
Wow.

Aaron said...

Wow that last quote is sooo true. I hate to admit it but recently I have caused plenty of borderless relationships by setting a ceiling on the situations. Always making the female the chaser and that allowed me to have the driver's seat. I have lots of reflection and repairing to do...

Thanx for this post!

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