I let my anger kill a relationship once in '07. I didn't really let
the anger kill it, but I wasn't mindful of the ways in which my
coping mechanisms were impacting my relationship.
This summer, I thought that I was doing success simply because
I got out of bed, and put on my happy Black girl routine and did
what I said I was going to do. I was grinding, every which way I
knew how to get cake to move to D.C. I was happy that I just
didn't throw up my hands in defeat but actually committed to
going and learning and ultimately growing.
Did I mention that I received a fellowship to go to a program
in the city that he attended, but I chose to go to D.C. instead.
So in the back of my mind a was a voice saying, "Girl, you could
have avoided all this and just moved into a loft together, went to
school and stayed put."
I continually told myself, "This is only temporary, I can do anything for
a short amount of time just to get by." I came to be proud when I
delivered awesome service, and I learned from my mistakes.
The worse mistake?
Walking up to a table and saying "Can I bring you the check" and
they responded "Um, we never got our entree." OUCH!
Model Minority Fail.
The best moment was my first $15 tip and someone telling me that
I have a great personality and to keep it because it would take
me far. Apparently, Filthy wasn't too happy with how I was coped with
being a server in June. To be fair, it was a lot for both of us to get use
to in such a short amount of time.
This summer I blogged about how when I got home, I just stared at the
wall. Sit on the internet. Well, I ain't wanna hang out either. It was hard.
The bugged out 'ish, is that the gig just ended so know I can
focus on getting all the grad school preparation 'ish done.
Doing paperwork, reading books on the reading lists, reaching out to
my cohort, shipping boxes etc. I don't turn people into the harm that they
I am not my wounds or my mistakes. Neither is anyone
else. If that were the case, I wouldn't have parents. I am forced to see
the humanity in people. That doesn't mean that I don't hold them accountable,
it means that I try and seperate what they have done from who they are.
Its bugged out because in life, work is hard, and when your partner is
having a rough time, you can either empathize with them, or you can
turn them into a monster.
In my conversation with him last night, I mentioned that I have never
turned him into a monster, and trust me, I have the material to do so.
He wants to go on a road trip to Princeton, don't know if I am feeling
that, given the turbulence. Praying and waiting.
If it works, in some ways I see it as a vetting process for having a tried
and tested compadre for my grad school experience.
We all have growing pains.
If it doesn't I am free to pursue the next phase of my life and all of the
illustriousness that it has to offer. Here is to hairy conversations and
grown folks business.
Had to adjust to a new gig or city recently?
You let anger ruin 'ish in your life?
How much do you tip when you go out?