Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Bless Him, Change Me


Love. Resistance. Desire.

About a week or so ago FD said, "He couldn't do it anymore."


I thought it was just a strong response to the holiday season,
but I ain't heard from him.

It was a little rocky.

The tipping point for me, was didn't hear from him when we had
blizzard a couple of weeks back.
He had a resentment towards me,
as I was venting about school and my land lord and not taking any actions.
The resentment was fine, but Black people
call Black people to check on them
when we get two feet of snow. That's
just gp Love.

I also got stranded in Maryland that day. The trains and buses just stopped
running. LP's loving partner gave me a ride home, in a stick shift, in a blizzard.
I was grateful.

In the week preceding FD also spoke to me twice in a way, that I was like, dude,
where is my
friend, 'cuz the person on the other end of the phone don't sound like
love bears. The tone of his voice communicated what the words didn't, desire
had waned.

I didn't help any. I fucked up and pushed up on someone I had a thing with
years ago. I also mentioned it to FD. I know, Black girl fail. Things were
already fragile, then I went a did this. The awesome thing that came out
of that behavior is the next day I felt. Awful. I couldn't shake it.

I told him about

It was in that moment that I learned that no matter what was happening
in my life that I would be responsible to the maintenance of my interior life.

I had a bottom, and tried to allow something material to fill a God sized hole.
No bueno.

I now see that work, home, school, roommate issues, love life, my interior life needs
to be maintained and now one could really do that but me, via God.

I have worked hard on getting acclimated to school. It's really isolating.
I am also getting use to being around new people.
Making new friends, learning the culture of grad school.

Black girls had a lot of New in '09.

At times, I was self absorbed and not checking for him. In fact, it was only
in talking with one of my homies that I realized the significance of FD's had a
career milestone.
He finished his course work. However, I was deep in the
midst of learning how to do APA citations. I didn't have the bandwith to really

reflect on the significance of this with him.

S.bot insisted on me writing this, but also insisted that I didn't call.
I was like, I don't understand, why can't I do one and not the other
they BOTH constitute a communication. She was like, calling is a no
no, but your blog is your space. So write. Uhhhhhhhhh. Hate her. Love her.

Last Thursday, I had just come back from Brooklyn for Xmas on Sunday,
and I saw his Facebook status update said "Queens bound" I was like wow,

you ain't speaking but you got status updates. I lost it.

So, I was standing in my room, talking to my daddy, who is on the
West Coast. He was like you sound really sad. I was, plus I was suppose to visit
him, but I was working up the courage to tell him that am not up to it right now.
He asked me, what I was going to do for NYE, I was like "make gumbo or lasagna
and watch CSI". He was like, "Are you sure." I mentioned that my support system
was in Brooklyn, and I just got an email from my homie Ian who is doing
a free party. I would just need to find a place to stay, if I went back."

He responded saying "Go. Then." I was like "I just got back, doesn't that look
kinda crazy?" He was like "No. Right now you are in your own way, in your self
pity. OTHER people ain't in they self pity. Go, be around your friends and enjoy
yourself. Self pity leads to depression. Your four walls at home will be there,
but right now you need to get out of your own way." "You may hear from him,
you may not, but you need to go where the Love is."

He was right, being around people that loved me, held me, fed me, was exactly what
I needed.

Shaking her head at my scandalous silver leggings. Ms. Lovely, laid eyes on
me and said I looked like I came from the future. That moment was priceless.

On the train, I found my mind returning to the hurt and, wanting answers, but I stilled
myself. And when it got really real, I just said the first first part of the serenity
prayer on repeat, until I thought about something else. Interior life.

I was also able to reflect on what it was like for me when I moved to New
York. How at times it was a slow grind to make friends, and in other instances,
it was real easy. My first little crew was comprised of Tiombe, Bilal and Robert
Glasper and while we only ran together for a month or so, it was nice to have
running buddies.
I also had homies at Barnard who were from Oakland. Shit,
I was spoiled.
Time takes time. Luls.

In the same way that I waited for God to put Ms. Fancy from the post below,
on my path, I remain the same with this, bless him, change me.


Nexgrl said...

The hardest part is that it takes time to heal.

M.Z. said...

Keep your head up

M.Dot. said...

Thank you little bears.

I am actually ok, now.

Last week. No bueno.


Unknown said...

It's so much easier when you have time to reflect - and time to be around people who love you, who boost you. As you said, time takes time. That's what healing needs - time.

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