Monday, July 27, 2009

In 5 Easy Steps


I let my anger kill a relationship once in '07. I didn't really let
the anger kill it, but I wasn't mindful
of the ways in which my
coping mechanisms were impacting my relationship.

This summer, I thought that I was doing success simply
I got out of bed, and put on my happy Black girl
routine and did
what I said I was going to do.
I was grinding, every which way I
knew how to get cake
to move to D.C. I was happy that I just
didn't throw up my hands in defeat
but actually committed to
going and learning and ultimately growing.

Did I mention that I received a fellowship to go to a program
in the city that he attended, but I chose to go to D.C. instead.
So in the back of my mind a was a voice saying, "Girl, you could
avoided all this and just moved into a loft together, went to
and stayed put."

I continually told myself, "This is only temporary, I can do anything
a short amount of time just to get by."
I came to be proud when I
delivered awesome service, and I learned
from my mistakes.
The worse mistake?

Walking up to a table and saying "Can I bring you
the check" and
they responded "Um, we never got our entree." OUCH!

Model Minority Fail.

The best moment was my first $15 tip and someone telling me that
I have
a great personality and to keep it because it would take
me far.
Apparently, Filthy wasn't too happy with how I was coped with
being a server in June.
To be fair, it was a lot for both of us to get use
in such a short amount of time.

This summer I blogged about how when I got home, I just stared at the
Sit on the internet. Well, I ain't wanna hang out either. It was hard.
The bugged out 'ish, is that the gig just ended so know I can
focus on getting all the grad school preparation 'ish done.

Doing paperwork, reading books on the reading lists, reaching out to

my cohort, shipping boxes etc.
I don't turn people into the harm that they
have caused.

I am not my wounds or my mistakes. Neither is anyone
If that were the case, I wouldn't have parents. I am forced to see
the humanity in people. That doesn't mean that
I don't hold them accountable,
it means that I try and
seperate what they have done from who they are.

Its bugged out because in life, work is hard, and when your partner is
having a rough time, you can either empathize
with them, or you can
turn them into a monster.

In my conversation with him last night, I mentioned that I have never
turned him into a monster, and trust
me, I have the material to do so.

He wants to go on a road trip to Princeton, don't
know if I am feeling
that, given the turbulence. Praying
and waiting.

If it works, in some ways I see it as a vetting process
for having a tried
and tested compadre for my grad school

We all have growing pains.

If it doesn't I am free to pursue the next phase of my life and all of the
illustriousness that it has to offer.
Here is to hairy conversations and
grown folks business.

Had to adjust to a new gig or city recently?
You let anger ruin 'ish in your life?
How much do you tip when you go out?


M.Z. said...

I try to tip 20% or more if I really like the server.

If I got a discount on the meal because I know someone who worked there (i.e 30% off) I'll give what I saved to server.

Anonymous said...

“I try and separate what they have done from who they are.”
I’m pondering that one right there, nice concept although the inner devils advocate in me wants to say “What you have done, comprises who you are” I guess its just based on the degree of impact certain actions hold.

Since the Great Escape from Michigan in ’06 I’ve been stable with the residence.

I know I’ve let anger ruin some ish in my life, and currently trying to divorce myself from it all together. It’s tricky tho, because anger can be such a powerful motivator, and at its heart, anger is a feeling, and I tend to think feelings are among the most honest of things.


Anger is the enemy of thought. If there was ever a inverse scale anger/thinking would be it.

I’m 20% / $2 every drink guy in general. But think you haft to use logic when tipping. If ya meal comes up to like $14.25, why not just leave a $20 to cover it?

M.Dot. said...


Really like eh? You would cash me out?
I would bring you extra ketchup, napkins and coke refills, lols.

It was bugged being the ONLY Black girl there too. Going to write about that soon and the "affirmative action look."

Its bugged, cuz I was so shook over moving
if push came to shove, I could have asked patna's and family for help, and just QUIT the gig you know, and volunteered with the womens group @ the Y.

Shit. I could have slept ON YO COUCH until the fellowship money came, lols....Could you imagine....

Less fear homie, less fear.

manaen said...

Just today, I posted some thoughts about this subject on another blog. Here are some of them:
Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again -- this is the brave and happy life. -- J. E. Buchrose
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. … Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. – Martin Luther King, Jr.
Evil multiplies by the response it seeks to provoke, and when I return evil for evil, I engender corruption myself. The chain of evil is broken for good when a pure and loving heart absorbs a hurt and forebears to hurt in return. -- Dennis Rasmussen
Wise is the man who says all that needs to be said, but not all that could be said. -- Marvin J. Ashton
There are two ways of exerting one’s strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up. – Booker T. Washington
He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. – Aeschylus, quoted by Robert F. Kennedy 4 Apr 1968 in announcing Dr. King’s assassination to a crowd in Indianapolis
Bitterness is the poison someone drinks intentionally with the hope that someone else will die. -- Dr. Laura Schlesinger
Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. -- Quoted by Thomas S. Monson
No one can be classed as a true follower of the Savior who is not in the process of removing from his heart and mind every feeling of ill will, bitterness, hatred, envy, or jealousy. -- H. Burke Peterson
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. -- James 1:19-20
Who ever takes offense when offense is not intended is a fool -- and whoever takes offense when offense is intended is a damned fool. – Brigham Young
If you do not forgive, you give away your future. Tomorrow is held hostage to yesterday. -- Stephen R. Covey
When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. – Alan Paton
Let us not -- as some do -- make the mistake of thinking the chips we place on our own shoulders are crosses. -- Neal A. Maxwell
We must keep the bridge of mercy in good repair. Each of us will surely need to cross it. – H. Wallace Goddard
When you forgive others, it is easier to find yourself because then there is more of you to find. -- manaen
If you expect someone else to guide you, you will be lost. – James Earl Jones
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. – Henry Wordsworth Longfellow
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient – 2 Tim 2:24
To work in the world lovingly means that we are defining what we will be for, rather than reacting to what we are against. – Christina Baldwin
pray to be filled with the love of Christ. […] because once you have felt your Savior's love for you, even the smallest part, you will feel secure. – D. Todd Christopherson
When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us. – John H. Groberg
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations. – Michael J. Fox
What you are thinking about [e.g. anger, revenge] is what you are becoming. – Muhammad Ali

neo said...

You're doing the right thing by choosing to look past the mistakes, the shortcomings that's what Love is and is all about. The choice to believe that a person can eventually become all God created them to be. It's the love God has for us as human beings hence Christ.

In previous r/ships I've let anger ruin so many situations that could've easily been diffused or worked out with a simple shrug or conversation. Good thing though that God's helped me work through that and understand that if you love people you cannot be easily irritated.

Anonymous said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Model Minority said...


Real spit, I know that when I am angry I need to get vulnerable or do something w/ my hands, which is usually washing the dishes. THEY ARE NEVER ALL CLEAN.

You are becoming what you are thinking...Wow.
That is some honest to God get right!

I swear when I saw how long your post was, I was like ehhhh, is this religious spam. Lols. I'm just teasing you.

Yeah Patience. Love Kindness.
I am on it July. But June, I was a angry Black girl when I got off. What can I say?
Its done, and I'm awesome know.

We are still at a fork in the road, but something tells me its going to be okay.

The thing about academia is that YOU DO get jobs all over the country and thats just the life I have signed up for. Perhaps it is time for me to up the ante in turning outcomes over. Yes. Yes indeed.

Model Minority said...

Good thing though that God's helped me work through that and understand that if you love people you cannot be easily irritated.
That is real.

You would have been so proud of me. Not one bit of brattiness @ work. Smiling Black Girl, all the time. But home. I was grumpledorf.

I am learning, that I need to ask/pray for extra help when starting something new, you know the transition time.

Oakland was hard too when I first moved back, I had no money, then hella money, but really no body to kick it with. :( Good Food though, and birthday's w/ my nieces and nephews, which is priceless.

manaen said...

You are becoming what you are thinking...Wow.
That is some honest to God get right!
Some earlier treatments on this were:
* "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Pro 23:7)
* "As A Man Thinketh" by James Allen, a mini-classic booklet published in 1902
Available here:
My favorite, though, is by Spencer W. Kimball, who turned it around and asked, "How could someone possibly become what they are not thinking?"


i feel like i am mad at everyone because they waste money and i am saving every penny and it makes me mad to be with them and watch them throw away a dollar because they could have gave it to me and i would have put it to better use. and all them know im strugglin and they are strugglin to they just dont know it cuz they live life wasting things.

Anonymous said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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