Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dating with Contracts


Monday Morning Breakfast
Scrambled Eggs with Cheddar & Bell Peppers,
Wheat Toast & Watermelon Prepared by Filthy Supreme

I was recently reminded of a beef I had with Filthy last February.
It arose when he asserted that in the past he would
let women know up front that he wasn't interested in a long
term anything but would continue to hang out. In his mind
this absolved him of any responsibility for a woman
catching feelings

This conversation initially started off as a discussion about
how he dates.  Because we have first jeans, first date hats,
first date hair cuts, and my favorite, first date eye shadow,
we are not really being ourselves when we begin dating.

He mentioned that he approaches it with the intention of 
not subscribing to societal gender roles because those roles
don't allow people to be themselves on their first Dates. 
His rationale is that when we wear the first date gear, we are 
not being ourselves but someone who wants to avoid rejection. 
The idea is that we perform gender norms to avoid rejection
from a potential partner.

Needless to say, I was intrigued. 

While I thought that the gender role theory was very
bell hooksian of him, I had a problem with the notion that telling
a woman up front that he wasn't interested in something long term
absolved him of any responsibility if and when she caught feelings.

My rationale is that if we are eating together, catching flicks
together, Barnes and Nobling together, then you are doing
the things that I would DO with my dude.
And to sit there, marinate, benefit and soak it all in, without
concern for the title or duties associated with receiving such
benefit is short sighted and selfish. Besides being on the take
like that is a sure fire way to cultivate a stalker.

Welcome to dating with contracts.

To be fair, I have been on both sides of the the equation. On one side, I am
hanging out with the someone who I DO not want a title with, but enjoying the
benefits just the same. Then there is the other side of doing partner type
labor without the partnership title.

We fall in love meal by meal, flick by flick.

I was reminded of all this last week when Mean Sexy and I were talking
about someone she met recently and the time they spend together.
She has a desire to keep it low key but stays hanging out with dude.

Getting it in.

My line for Filthy was the same for her, which is "With every meal, you
grow closer, not further apart" so if you want space you have to stop
eating with him. But ya'll know how it is.

Good cooked food. Long Saturday mornings. The warm and fuzzy's
feel good. But those warm and fuzzy's require work.

Saturday nights dinner.
Pesto Pizza with Artichoke hearts & Mozzarella.
Courtesy of 'ya boy.

Our exchange reminded me of a notion from Junot Diaz's Drown
where he talks about relationship break-up velocity. His rationale
is that once the break up is
on the horizon, there ain't really
nothing you can do to stop it.

I hate admitting that. Hated it. Hated it. Hated it. But he is right.

Try as you may. Its unstoppable.

I would also say that there is relationship start up velocity.

You may not think that the time that you are spending
with this person, the breakfast, the movies, the long good byes,
are just good clean fun, but seeds are being planted and someone
is bound to catch feelings.


the prisoner's wife said...

so wait...i'm so far out the loop. you datin dude?

neo said...

The whole "tell her up front" strategy is a man-made, boy constructed, young dude tactic that attempts to absolve the male species of any and all kinds of hurt he may make on the female during the dating game. I say this 'cos I'm a x-number of times offender in the past. Shoot I did it with my main squeeze when we began "talking."

I have come to discover that not only is it silly and deceitful it really sets one up for failure 'cos at the end of the day your actions will speak louder than words and gender roles have nothing to do with smooching a lady and then turning round the next day to say, "uhhh but we agreed we were just friends" when she's mad at you for not returning her text msgs or phone calls.

Model Minority said...

@ tpw....good to see you too...lolcats.

Straight to the point you are this morning......errr uhhhh errrr.....

Damn. Im lightweight on blast hunh?

Lets just say...we eat meals together. I'm checking for him on the reg.

Model Minority said...

Shoot I did it with my main squeeze when we began "talking."

Ahhhh. The truth.

. I say this 'cos I'm a x-number of times offender in the past.
We all are. As women, we have agency, and choosing not to exercise it is our prerogative, and those consequences will have to be dealt with as well.

the prisoner's wife said...

"Lets just say...we eat meals together. I'm checking for him on the reg."

umm hmmm. i know that THAT means. happy for you tho & a bit jealous you're back in my old hood LOL. summer in NY is LOVELY!

(fyi: i'll be there in july)

M.Dot. said...

I knew *wink nod* that you would get it.

Man. Gurrrl. That comment caused some 'ish in my life.

July it is. I am amped.

Illaim said...


Every thing you wrote is

Very Very true....

"we are not really being ourselves when we begin dating."

word to Chris Rock...

The Minority Reporter said...

i read.

uhhh huh.

i'm guilty too.

rejection doesn't look good with anything i'm wearing.

now i'm going on a date with gay boyfriend...needless to say...we won't be catchin feelings by the end of dinner

Model Minority said...

gay boyfriend

That is a BLOG post in and of it self.

Black women and their Gay Male Homies.

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