Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Now I'm Realizing that I Love Her


I got the call on Christmas Eve. "Ne, I made a mistake."

It was Filthy.

I listened, and we decided to link up in mid January.

So, he came to a meeting that I spoke at this past Saturday.
I was nervous and vulnerable. But, I felt fearless and good.
The speech went well.

He then broke the news. he was ready to commit. Ready
to think about the future, a long term future.

I was guarded but excited.

Then the other shoe dropped.

He had lied to me y'all.

2 lies

In December, he pursued the woman he had a borderless
they mashed, and to top it off, they kicked it
on New Years Eve.

When I learned this, I started looking for sharp objects.

This made me look at the decision to commit in a whole other light.

At first, when he mentioned that he wanted to commit,
I would have been satisfied with a change in his facebook
and taking a trip to somewhere sunny this winter
and perhaps meeting some parents. But this shit was
scratch where my gat, get out my face because my "cut you

if you still, shoot you if you running" Texas roots are about to come out.

Two lies.

One was that I told that when he was in BK last December, and I asked him
where he stayed, his response was, with my boy T's friend.

I just learned, that it was with her.


He was suppose to go to Philly for New Years.
That was a lie. He spent it with her.

All I could think of was Gotty saying, I told you so. You see,
when the relationship ended after Thanksgiving, I called Gotty. Aye blood, your boy is done.
Gotty: Really. What happen. This other jawn, his homie came at him, made her feelings
known, put LOVE on it, and he shook. She cut herself OUT of his life,
and now he claims he is grieving her, but now can't do it.
Gotty: Man, he is trying to pop at her right now, trust me, I know this,
I been there. I am not so sure. He kinda jacked up.
Gotty: Alright, don't listen to me. Imma listen to you, it just doesn't make sense.
Gotty: It don't have to. Take care of your self mayne.
So, to get this information now, I am hella stuck.

It's God's now.

Ironically, I asked God to take him out my life, and only bring
him back (or for that matter anyone into my life) when he was
ready. I asked to only have people in my life who have the
courage and the will to love or the will to build
the capacity to do so. Now that it has happened, I am having a
hard to with the process. God is funny.

I have been thinking about something one of my married homies
said to me. He basically mentioned that in his experience,
men ask themselves whether they are ready, and if they are they proceed
and they aren't they keep it moving. It had nothing to do with me.

Filthy is apparently at a point where he has had the serious commitment
conversation with himself and decided to proceed, but for me its
foul how it happened.

My girl has told me that I am focusing on the negative. That a
man's and or person's willingness to learn how to put another's feelings
ahead of his own is a time to be celebrated
especially because he or she is probably going to need some help. She has
a point, but I got ice chips in my heart man.

His contention is that he had to go through what he went through

to get to the point he is at now. And the outcome is what matters.
I hear it, but I still give that shit the side eye. Ice chips melt, right?

I also look at it like this.
He is a good man. He challenges me. Is gentle. Is encouraging.
He my friend.

But he is also Bleek. Not Memph, who I have always had a
crush on since forever. But Bleek, Bleek Gilliam. I don't do Bleek.
I realized that Filthy was Bleek last August when I learned of the four
boxes of W.E.B Dubois books, amongst the 12 boxes of books.
In my mind, I might as well had been dating DJ. CRACK ERA FAIL.

Given all this. Peep the nitty gritty.

It's incredible, because there have been
some serious conversations had about the future, about
residences being changed, five, ten and twenty year plans.

I have learned a lot about my shortcomings as well. I have
learned that I have a hard
time asking for what I need and I
can sometimes play the victim
in order to avoid taking action.
Ouch. Admitting it is the first step to changing it. Right? Right.

I also understand that relationship gray areas exists. In the past,
once, I have carried a torch for another person. This torch
impacted my ability to really connect and be with the person
I was with at the time.

But then again.

I was 20 years old then. And we ARE not
20 years old anymore.
I have also done my fair share of scandalous. BUT. I have been honest.

I have a code.

Right now, I face the risk of walking away from the love that was
meant to be or staying with a person that made a mistake but also
understands that this is the chance to show that he can make good
on his word, and for him to take the opportunity to make tangible efforts to
continue to make good on his word.

He is trying. He is trying to do something he has never done before,
he is trying to step out on faith and live the life of Bleek after he can no
longer play the trumpet
. At this point I can just sit back and watch
how it unfolds.

The ante has been upped.

I gave it to God.

How to Be in Pain and Not Fall Apart is in full effect.


the prisoner's wife said...

well, sis, that's all you can do: give it up to God & let yourself be guided. i have enough faith in you to know you'll make the right judgment.

at the end of Mo Betta, Bleek got it together tho. he picked right, just like Filthy.

Model Minority said...

Who you telling?

I swear I almost deleted this post.

Like. I can't EVEN TELL YOU what I learned about myself in the last 7 days. Feel me?

I mean...Words cannot explain...

Thank you for your kind words. I need them.

Penni Brown said...

Wow - this is deep. Don't you hate when the profession of love and willingness to commit comes in a cloud of funk?! Where are the flowers and picnics in the park?

I've been thinking alot lately about how love is not just a feeling but an ACTION. People throw words around but what are they DOING? So, if I were you, I would protect my heart but manage to be open enough to acknowledge his acts of love...then decide whether or not he's making a strong enough case.

corto said...


is it ok to lie if you tell the truth in the end?
i mean... it has a strength to it, but also has shad tree ness.

feeling kinda 'fool me once...' about this.
but... love is black. relationships are grey.
is filthy worth grey, again?

it makes me wonder...
does he want you because what he thought was greener grass was not?
does he want you because he was afraid to have you at first?

god's hands is best.


i been dating this dude on and off 4 a year. the reason why i even fucked with him in the first place was because i was in a place where i really hated myself and he was on a bunch of charges n finna leave the country or b locked up 4 a while. he was n such a state that all he wanted 2 do was fuck then beat the fuck out of somebody.

n i wanted 2 b that somebody. so i fooled with him ended up back on pills but in the end got bored with the devil n moved on.

a couple of weeks ago he calls me up n say that his sentencing date was in a week n he didnt have nobody that cared about him.

so i went over 2 his place n let the dude pass out 4 most of the week. i kept my mouth shut n he was tellin me about the year we was apart n how much he changed. i thought it was just him being nervous.

then all of a sudden this dude starts really opening up 2 me. he cries n tells me things n i start seeing him in a new way. he tells me that he wants 2 let people know he is sorry for fuckin up they lives. im like whatever i'll visit this dude as often as i can n maybe even b down with bein his boyfriend cuz it would keep me off the streets 2 kno that he's there but 2 far 2 fuck with me.

well he ends up not getting locked up.

and all of a sudden he has this monster love 4 me because of how i was there 4 him. he wants 2 tell everybody he is sorry n start rehab n shit n have a happy life n im supposed 2 jus b his angel or some shit.

but what he dont realize is that the reason i came 2 him is because i wanted him 2 hurt me. it wasnt that i was innocent or naive thats just the kind of shit i had got myself accustomed 2.

so i asked this dude who i had been his rock i asked him how much he really wanted 2 say he was sorry n how STRONG the love he been counting on really was u feel me.

so i asked him how he felt that i was still fucking dudes for cash.

ill spare u the rest of the story jus 2 tell u this dude never wanted to love me this dude just wanted 2 believe that the one he had put so much faith in was as perfect as he wanted me 2 be.

well life dont create perfect people, n i am the realest motherfucker that would ever have touched the dude n he could have leaned on me thru everything.

the honesty i gave him had nothing 2 do with my love for him just like the fucking didnt. it had 2 do with the fact that sometimes things in my life go on that dont involve him, but if he wants somebody to love him. thats all i got for him.

M.Dot. said...

@penni brown
I would protect my heart
Yes m'am.

@ Corto
does he want you because he was afraid to have you at first
I don't know. I have been told that there was a lot of fear involved with committing. What I do know is that we have the tools that we have WHEN we have them. Nothing more nothing less.

Thank you for sharing. I always like to hear from folks who read but don't comment Big {Teef} Smile.

the honesty i gave him had nothing 2 do with my love for him just like the fucking didnt.
This reminded me of myself from the Amy Whinehouse Tears dry on my own era.
Shake it don't break it love.

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