Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Adult Relationship Skills


Recently, I have experienced some emotional upheaval.

In the past, Filthy has had bad experiences with introducing his
female friends to the lady that he was dating at the time.

On two different occasions in the past,
he did the introduction
and one of the women ended up being salty.

Apparently, it made life type unbearable.

So this week, I learned that, because of his past, he just decided to
NOT introduce one of his close homies to me.

All I could think was, "Dude, you ain't think I was going to notice
that I have met almost everyone in your innercircle except for her?"

Apparently, he did so because they had history, and he didn't know how
to tell me.

This is a violation. However in the grand scheme of things, if I were him
I could have done the same thing. The lessons I have learned from my past
are the only thing that have prevented me from making that kind of mistake.

However, he is a good dude, a lovely dude. Feel me?
So, I was just lightweight torn.

This situation brought up old stuff for me. A couple of years ago
I was dating another cat, *Mark and not getting along well with
two of the women in his life. Some stuff flared up between me
and the one of the women, and instead of neither of us, me, him
or the woman, dealing with it head on, we let it percolate and it
eventually had an impact on our breaking up.

I told myself never again.

Naturally, I was concerned that the past was happening again.

When I found out that Filthy chose to deal with it on some,
I will just keep them seperate I was heated. All this arose
last week. It wasn't until Saturday that I learned that he kept us
apart because they had history.

I laughed. Because I knew about the history, as Filthy was my friend
first. We talked about everything and I remember him telling me about her
earlier this year. At the time, I just didn't have a name attached
to the situation. Once I put the pieces together I went from amused
to angry. While I am rational and reasonable, his fear of me bouncing,
or of losing her friendship and subsequent denial about the fact
that this needed to be dealt with swiftly were powerful as well.

On one level he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Violation.
On a another level, I have made similar mistakes before.

The more we spoke, the more I realized that it was just one of those
situations where he handled the situation in a way that could have
been done differently.

When we have been hurt by someone, there is a tension between
a desire to hold on to the pain, and a desire to forgive.

The pain is comfortable like an old friend, thats is why Mobb Deep
tastes so good to my ears, it waters my dysfunction.

I learned from this that you have to listen to what the person
is saying, that what your friends say may be useful but
it must be taken with a grain of salt, and ultimately God will
set forth what is suppose to take place.

The hardest thing to do, throughout all of this, was to sit with being
uncomfortable and not try and fix it myself.

Part of me, the old me, had an inclination to still rock with him,
just at arms length, and to keep my eyes open for other cats to
add to the bench.

This constitutes trying to fix it myself. I know that needed discipline.
The kind of discipline that Dr. Peck was talking when he was defining
love as the judicious giving of discipline, resources and affection.

Man, listen, it is one thing that to talk that discipline 'ish, but
it is a whole other to practice it. People have said that I have
changed in the last year, but it was really going through this
that shows me that I have.

I got the chance to do it Friday.

I got a call from an old homie, one who I hadn't seen, and I knew
that if I hung out, and saw him, I would feel immediately better.

I would be complimented and doted on.

But, I also knew that the quick fix was not what I needed at that
. I knew that I needed to do something that I was incapable
of in the past, which is that I needed to sit there with being uncomfortable
with those feelings at that moment.

Deciding to handle it this way reminded me that one of the major
that we don't teach our children is how to suffer.

I don't mean suffer as in having a jacked up life and just not taking action
to change it. I mean suffering as in, learning to deal with the feelings,
the uncomfortable feelings as they arise, to acknowledge them, and
perhaps most importantly to not be controlled by them.

This experience has shown me that healthy adult relationship skills
are the key component to being a healthy human being.

* Pseudonym

How comfortable are you with the feelings that make you

Have you had to forgive anyone recently?

Have you had to do any special introductions lately?


the prisoner's wife said...

a. my thoughts on your "situation" is that if this relationship is to progress, he can't keep y'all separate, but equal much longer. that will only ADD fuel to a fire that could have been stomped out.

b. forgive...ahh...a good friend, one of my best (and i only have like 3 anyway), and i have a newly gentrified relationship. we have forgiven each other, and we both have grown. we sort of grew apart when i moved to NY & got into my own life & my man & the city...consumes. but we're back. it's so odd, we've switched coasts (she's in NY now, her moving in with me aided our friendship break-up), and are about as close as ever. we're better people forgiveness is a blessing.

c. introductions? nah...

M.Dot. said...

he can't keep y'all separate
We learned homie.

newly gentrified
fuck does that mean?

GMllz said...

Experiencing feelings of discomfort, accepting them as they are, and NOT reacting to them, yet acknowledging those feelings is definitely a key component of growth. That applies on many more levels than just adult relationships. Growth in it's very essence is uncomfortable.

M.Dot. said...

Experiencing feelings of discomfort, accepting them as they are, and NOT reacting to them, yet acknowledging those feelings is definitely a key component of growth
Who you telling. I got them sh-ts right now.

the prisoner's wife said...

newly gentrified i.e. we made up LOL...i know gentrification in the actual sense of the word-- as in i'm gonna tear down everybody's house from Atlantic to Bergen to make way for a big ass parking lot for the Nets--is bad, but i like saying it LOL

M.Dot. said...

but i like saying it LOL
Man...I like saying/doing THE main motivator in life.

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